26 November 2009

Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

Moving old blog post over. Repost from: Sunday, September 14, 2008 

I still have yet to find a way to fill the void I feel in my heart. I distracted myself for a while by enjoying the dating scene but have grown tired of the endless disappointments.

I had a discussion with one of my close friends, of 15 years, and we decided to see if dating each other would be a nice alternative to finding random people to poorly satisfy our needs of companionship. All was well until she came to see me for the 4th of July weekend. We come from different backgrounds and generally that makes for great discussions, but I believe this to present itself as a problem which stems from my extreme self confidence, I gained in the military, combined my unwavering demand to be treated with respect and a small town girl that doesn't always think before she speaks. This relationship went back to being friends a week later.

Another friend, of 8 months, and I had the same discussion about two weeks after girl 1 and I went back to being friends. Unfortunately, she had just had her heart broken and is in a recovery mode, thus negating any short term initiation of a relationship. To complicate matters further after I told girl 1 about my situation with girl 2, girl 1 confessed that she had developed feelings for me and didn't want to lose me. Both girls have told me that I am the LTR type and that I would be a good mate, but I grow weary.

I haven't given up on love but my heart is just not in it anymore. I think I may need a change of scenery, perhaps the woman to sooth my soul is to be found when I go for my graduate degree in Zurich. A friend at Soulless Corp knows the minute details of the situation and she recommends doing the one thing that has been excruciatingly painful since my last real relationship, be alone...

Green Day put it perfectly when they published "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" (excerpt)

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Bootnote: In July of 2005 I effectively broke the heart of the one I loved and my own at the same time. We didn't have a dramatic break up and have remained friends since. Just a difference of personalities and the ensuing conflict was more than I was willing to accept.

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